I just wanted to give the 'Company Races' another chance in a dedicated thread. This is one of those threads I re-read sometimes just because it's so hilarious. Feel free to add any additional Company Races or products!
Slightly edited to make it more readable:
It all started with this brilliant suggestion:
Terraner05:
Make a "Coca cola Company" Race which dominates the world *g*^^ (I like coke^^)
SideMancer:
You could play as the McDonalds-CocaCola Alliance
All your ships would get sensor and speed bonusses, because your crews
are high on sugar and caffeine. Your military rating would be low however,
because your soldiers are overweight from all the junk food.
SideMancer:
Maybe a more appropriate custom race would be the Microsoft Empire led by Commander Gates. It is an evil empire intent on destroying all opposition and enslaving its population. It has huge economic resources and exellent spying capabilities. Allied factions are forced to use the Microsoft Techtree and technologies like the Microsoft JumpWindows(tm) stargate and Microsoft Galactic Messenger(tm).
Then you could have a battle between the McDonalds-CocaCola Alliance and the Microsoft Empire.
neilo:
You forgot the imminent threat posed by the iEmpire. The iEmpire attacks swiftly, using their iNanoships, and show little mercy with their relentless iAdds. They need not kill, their mindless droning is enough to make one capitulate, and the excessive white color used on all their ships is hypnotic.
Their leader iliketheletteri is undeterred in his quest that all beings sway to his iIdeals and only believe that he is right and all should ibow to him.
They are everywhere, beware their iSpy's are well hidden....
MarshallONeil:
[Final confrontation picture, don't know how to easily include..]
SideMancer:
I think userfriendly iWeapons like the iCore Detonation pose a serious threat to McDonalds-CocaCola's High Calory Weapons like Huge-Soldiers and the McDoom ray. It will also be interesting to see if Microsoft's Microsoft Flight Simulator trained pilots can counter this new threat..
Piznit:
The iEmpire would have a hard time completing their conquest, though, due to the sudden crashes of all hardware and hours spent with customer service reps or exchanging and repair of assets. The entire economy would tank due to the fact that 5 star admirals and the uber-techno geeks would be battling it out to see who could get in line first to buy the latest large hulled starship (with email capacity). Afterwards, the military would get wiped out in no time flat because they were too busy showing their friend how cool the latest iEmpire iGun is, and they dont want to shoot it because it might get scratched. Not only that, but 3 days later, when the entire annual budget was spent upgrading the military, it would be obselete when a newer, smaller, deadlier version was released in time for iChristmas.
MarshallONeil:
Sir, we've done it! It's the ship that will conquer the galaxy - the iDreadnaught! It has...
Well, no sir, technically it's not as fast as the WinBattlecruiser. But you have to see it, it just looks so fast... and so cool...
Actually, no, we decided to scrap our old computer system and use this other system designed on open-source software. But it's all totally safe and under control, at least the parts that we understand...
No, sir, the iDreadnaught doesn't even do damage control. That's the best part. If something gets broken or outdated, we'll just replace the whole ship with a brand new one! No fuss, no muss, no reason to ever open the panels...
No sir, we've currently got one engine module, two weapon modules, and one type of armor for it. I know the WinCruiser can come with hundreds of different modules and upgrades, but we have all of the important ones. Who needs all of those choices and extra functionality? One shop, one ship, that's what we say... Hello? Sir? Are you still there?
AOD-Bradford:
I see all kinds of issues for the Microsoft Fleet Commanders though...
Imagine having to completely shut down all fleet operations and restart your engines right before the iships attack because you have all the time been downloading critical software updates.
The restart sequences after a couple of days play would be so long that the fleet would be destroyed well before it had a chance to 'reboot'
it's not like they get a choice either...
"Wincruiser 1365 ... critical update 3005 of 3005 complete...
Weapons operative
Engines on-line
Scanners functional...
"FIRE !"
............... nothing happens........
You must restart your Wincruiser for these changes to take effect.
Restart now ?
Piznit:
Newsflash! iEmpire is getting severe backlash from citizens today after the latest technological wonder hit stores. One source is quoted as saying:
"Its like millions of people suddenly woke up and realized that iEmpire is selling inferior, second-rate products dolled up to look really fancy, but really aren't worth the price you pay for it. Its as though they just want my money...I feel so used and dirty."
In other realted news, Rear Admiral Steve Jobs VII is still MIA from the front battlelines with the Drengin. Unverified reports state he has been seen outside the galactic Best Buy in his lawnchair waiting in line since last Tuesday in hopes of purchasing the new iGun to sell on eBay.
This makes me want to write a full satirical AAR about the fictional iEmpire. Would anyone be interested in reading that?
SideMancer:
iEmpire technology surely looks the coolest. However production of the new 40Gblast Mini iGun was cancelled after customers consistently confused the iPortrait Snapshot function with the iPlasmaBlast function.
SideMancer:
- Captain, we've taken heavy damage, the engines are destroyed!
- Dammit, we almost done for, ok, re-rout all energy to the winWeapons and
fire for effect!
*winWeapon has encountered a problem and needs to close, we're sorry for the inconvenience. Would you like to send an error report?*
At this moment a powerful energy ray slices through the entire ship..
*winCruiser 5011 has encountered a problem and needs to be evacuated, we're sorry for
the inconvience. Would you like to send a last message to your loved ones?*
millertime335:
We are Microsoft of Borg. Lower your weapons and surrender your ships. We will add any original ideas and programs you have to our own, after we restart.
Resistance is Futile.
