I could have a nice, long introduction for this game, but I really don't have anything prepared. I did see a bat in the gym today, though. That was kind of neat. I had all sorts of Batman quotes that I wanted to share with the little guy, but he seemed scared -- it's okay, I get that a lot.

God of War -- Published and Developed By: Sony Computer Entertainment
It should come as no surprise that this game, which had spent a nice chunk of its time in development, should reach the acclaimed number three spot in this ever-so-valid list... Thing. God of War is the heartwarming tale of Kratos, a young orphan boy who is just struggling to find his way in an ancient Greek culture. Along the way, he finds out information about himself, meets his biological parents, and comes in contact with the law more than a couple times. It's also a story about Kratos, a battle-hardened warrior who makes a deal with the God of War and ends up killing absolutely everything except for the moments where he indulges his sexual desires with a couple whores. Who then face his wrath.

I brought God of War home the week it was released, having briefly played the demo in a Gamestop store while waiting in line to purchase some crap game. In retrospect, I would've been better off just going into the store to play the God of War demo, and never actually buying Brothers in Arms; but, hey, hindsight, 20/20, you know the drill. Anyway, I got the game the week it was released, and I played it all night. It was one of those games where I felt the need to verbally rape my television every five minutes, as well as give a big yell of "Hoohah," or "ZOMG!" whenever something cool happened. These are the kind of animated emotions that so few games these days elicit from me during play.

God of War, along with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, is probably the closest I've ever seen a game border on an Adults-Only rating (though both have received mature ratings) and for this I need to reprimand game developers: give us more of this, stat. No more bunnies and panda-bears running around trying to molest us with their oversized eyeballs, let's get some badass antiheroes! I mean, seriously, I'm actually very sad at the fact that up until God of War, I have never broken off an enemy's arms and then used them to cut off his head... And, more importantly, I have never ripped a harpy's wings off and then crushed its spine with my foot. And let's not forget the classy button-combo sequence where Kratos "engages" two nekkidwomens at the same time. Now that's a damn hero.



Outrageously absurdy (although completely awesome) "mature moments" aside, God of War is a fine example of a thinking man's gorefest. Sure, the blood spilled throughout the game could barely be fit in a thousand gallon pool, but let's put that aside for the moment to remember that God of War has its truly puzzling moments. One or two of which had me completely boggled for a nice chunk of time before I could actually figure out how to work my way through them. The game also has its platform moments, which normally I would feel the need to pin to a cross to "tan" in the sun for a month, but God of War makes this overdone cliche fairly tolerable.

And then there's the combat in the game. And despite how much any other aspect of the game may offend you -- whether it be the ridiculously violent cutscenes, naked polygonal women, platform/puzzle moments, or bare-chested warriors -- the combat is enough to make you look over the rest of the game. Throughout the game, Kratos will have access to two melee weapons as well as a number of spells, all of which can be upgraded through the collection of your enemy's "red floaty essence" which can simply upgrade the attack/spell as well as provide you with new combos with which you can absolutely obliterate your enemies with. And the boss battles... Oh, the glorious bosses which take up a full screen and can take your health bar down by a solid quarter with every mere swipe of whatever limb they choose to use.

And, here, is where I utter my sole primary complaint to this ever-so-glorious game: the final boss battle. I'm seriously concerned with the mental health of any designer who thinks it's a good damn idea to take away everything the player has earned and upgraded throughout the course of the game to create a "climactic" final battle. Hey, player, you just spent the last ten hours building up all your spells and weapons, so wouldn't it be funny if we didn't let you use absolutely any of them!? Hey, yeah, that'd artificially raise the tension of this important battle of the titans! Sadface.



God of War is one of the reasons that people should own a PS2. I've had many a friend tell me that they have given serious thought to purchasing the system just to replay through God of War. Yes, it's just that good. Though not good enough to make it into the top two spots of this list. Which will be uncovered tomorrow.

And, thank God (man, I'm hilarious) that there are only two of these articles left. My endurance for this kind of stuff is that of a gnat. That is to say: not much.