A very cultivated man, indeed. I'll drink to that!

A penguin puts is car in the repair shop cause it won't start. While he wait he goes next door to the ice cream shop to have a vanilla cone. Since he has no hands he drops some ice cream on himself. When he returned to the shop, the mechanic told him " looks like you blew a seal" to which he replied, " Nah, its just a little ice cream.

  Made me remember one along the same lines ... here goes.

A man goes into the doctor's office and is told he will need surgery. The doc says "Mr. Smith, we can do the surgery and you'll be much better afterwards, but your recuperation will include at least one month of agonizing pain, for which we can't give you drugs, because you are allergic to all painkillers."

Mr. Smith calmly replies "That's no problem, doc. After all, that will only be the third-most-painful thing that has happened to me in my life."

Curious, doc asks "Uh, what was the second-most-painful thing that has happened to you in your life?"

Mr. Smith answers, imperturbably, "I was out hunting one year, and went to take a dump behind some bushes, and dam if I didn't squat right over a bear trap. It jumped up and clamped onto my balls."

"Oh My GOD!" exclaims the doc. Then ... "I just have to know, now. What was the first-most-painful thing that has happened to you in your life?"

Mr. Smith answers as calmly as ever "When I hit the end of the chain."

    .                

Oh! Here's a witty one my American friend came up by himself! Not really a joke but with the right ingredients...

He said that Hillary Clinton (ex Presient Bill Clinton's wife, and current Senator) was running for president. He said she should not be considered becuase it's against the Constitution. Puzzled I asked how this could be so. He said well she's already served two terms (as president).

A burglar is snooping through a house at night, flashlight in hand, when he hears a disembodied voice. "Jesus is watching you!" Thinking he's hearing things he continues snooping. Once again, he hears "Jesus is watching you!" Now he's sure he heard it. Pointing his flashlight at the corner of the room he sees a parrot in a cage. "Jesus is watching you", says the parrot. Relieved, the burglar approaches the cage. "And what's your name, pretty bird?" he asks. "Clarence" the bird replies. Amused, he says "What idiot called you Clarence?" and turns and walks away. Behind him he hears the parrot say "Same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

Sorry about the triple post. Mods, could you delete 2 of those? Thanks.

There was a young barmaid named Gail.
On her chest were the prices of ale.
And on her behind, (for the sake of the blind)
Were the same, but tattoo'd in braille.

Ok, here's one of my old fav's.

A guy goes into a bar and sits down. Then he notices another fellow sitting nearby, an odd-looking fellow with an abnormally small head. In fact, it looks extremely odd, because the rest of this guy's body is like a champion weightlifter's. Noticing the newcomer's stare, the odd-fellow asks him "wtf you looking at?" Not wanting to pursue the obvious consequences of any misunderstandings, the guy decides to be diplomaticly honest and says "Well, I couldn't help but notice you have an oddly small melon, friend. Care to tell me how that came about?"

"It's a long story, but if you really wanna know, I'll tell you" says the odd-fellow.

"Oh, I do, really. Please tell me."

"I was in the Navy, and while I just happened to be up on deck at 2a.m. taking a leak, our ship got torpedoed. It sank with all hands but one, me, in about 30 seconds."

"That's horrible!", our guy commiserates. "What happened then?"

"Waal, I managed to snag a raft in the wreckage, and paddled to a deserted island a few miles away."

"Yes, do go on."

"Waal, I was walking on the beach and found this brass lamp. When I was rubbing the sand off it, a genie popped out and hovered in the air before me."

"Wow! What happened next?"

"Waal, She told me I was 'The Master of the Lamp' and I could have 3 wishes, anything I wanted. First, I wished for lotsa food and water. Poof, there it was. Next I wished to be the richest man in the world, and, Poof, I was."

"Uh yea, what was your third wish?"

"Waal, seeing as how she was pretty cute, especially in them see-through nighty things, I wished I could fornicate with her, right there on the beach. She said No, that was the only wish she couldn't grant, cause Genies are not allowed to that with their Masters. Sooo .... I gave her a wink and says ... how about a little head?"

        

that's great!

good one!



lol good one as well! Stupid guy could have simply wished to be irresistably attractive to beutiful female genies!

A rather mean joke: when someone has bad eyesight, it can lead to rather...akward situations. When I was akid, I dress up as the Grim Reaper for Halloween, and after one guy gave me some canfy he said, "Wow, that's a great Molly Ringwald costume!"

Enjoy,
Gen. Homsar

Here's a quick joke for you:

You're too drunk when your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping one night when, in the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake and says, "Watson, wake up."

"Wha?"

"Watson, look up, what do you see?"

Bleary-eyed Watson looks up and grumbles, "I see stars."

"Yes, Watson, and what does that tell you."

"Well, Holmes. I can see the stars, so it's a clear night tonight, and meteorologically speaking, that means that tonight shall be especially chilly and tomorrow is likely to be especially warm. Astrologically speaking, Mars is in Saggitarius, and that means that there will be political turmoil ahead. Theologically speaking, it means that God is great and his universe is larger than any human mind can comprehend."

"And that is all?"

"That is all. Why, what do you see?"

"Practically speaking," Holmes said, "it means someone stole our tent."

HAHAHA! That's really funny!

Here's a rather long one: A guy is driving down the highway, when he sees a rabit in the road and swerves to avoid hiiting it. SPLAT! the guy stops his car, ansd runs over to the rabit. He's an animal lover, (no, not like that.) so he's crying his eyes out. A blonde girl driving in her car sees hm crying on the side of the road, stops her car, and asks him what wrong. Still crying, he spurts, "I killed a rabit!" The blonde thinks for a few seconds, goes back to her car, and gets a sray can. She walks over to the rabit and sprays him with the can. The rabit immediatly hops gets up, completely unharmed, hops ten feet down the road, and waves at the blonde. He hops annother ten feet, turns back, and waves, and keeps hopping away and wavin until he's gone. Now the guy is just completely flabbergasted, and asks the blonde, "How the heck did you do that?!" She tuns the can so he can read the label, and it says: RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR, ADDS PERMANENT WAVE.

Practically speaking, Watson, your a fraktard!!!

Three guys die and go to heaven. They arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter is there, and he says "ok, I need to check you in, so please tell me how you died."

The first guy says "Well, lately I've suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So today, I decided I would come home an hour early to see if I could catch her in the act. I go in the elevator to the tenth floor (where my apartment is), and I hear noises from the bedroom. I fling open the door, and I see my wife naked on the bed, and clothes on the ground, but no guy. So I look around the apartment, but no sign of anything. I finally give up and go out on the balcony, when I see it: there are two hands grasping the railing hanging over the edge. In triumph I run and grab a hammer and beat that dirty cheater's hands until he falls off. I look down, and guess what? He was still alive! He landed on a freaking bush. So I run back in the room, grab the heaviest thing I can see, which happened to be my refrigerator, and throw it over the edge. Unfortunately, the electric cord wraps around me and drags me over, and I guess I fell to my death."

"Wow," says St. Peter,"that is a rather unique way to die. Never had one of those before."

"So, what's your story?"

The second guy says "I was out on my apartment balcony, watering my plants. It's hard work, so I lean against the railing, but the whole railing collapses! I fall, but luckily, I am able to catch the railing one floor down. But then, just as I am about to pull myself over, some mad man starts beating me with a hammer? How insane is that?! So I fall again, all the way to the ground, but I get really lucky, and a big soft bush breaks my fall. I only have a few scratches. I get up, thinking that I am safe, when out of nowhere a refrigerator lands on me, and crushes me. Sucks, huh?"

"That's really interesting," says St. Peter.

"And you?"

The third guy says "Well, I had recently met this really hot chick. She invited me over to her apartment to have sex. So we're doing our thing, when suddenly I hear footsteps in the hallway, and the chick screams 'It's my husband hide!!!' So I look around for a hiding spot, and I ran inside a refrigerator..."

Here's one my friend told me:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body" He did not say "Eat me nor Bite me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

I realize some religious fanatic will flame me for this. But this is too funny. I spent the better part of 5 minutes typing this.

-Scot

What do the USS Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

TP Scot, that one's great! I've got to send it to my religious friends.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! good one scot

There are three penguins in a bathtub. This is not a sexual joke.

The first penguin says to the second one, "Hey, man, pass the soap."

The second penguin says to the third one, "Hey, man, pass the soap."

The third penguin spins a pinwheel and says, "No soap, RADIO!"

riiiigght. some great jokes so far. i'd better keep my truly bad ones on reserve. hmm. not sure i have any left.

a pirate walks into a bar, apperantly with his ship's wheel tucked firmly into the front of his pants.
the bartender asks, "hey pal, what's that wheel doing there?"
the pirate replies, "ARRR it's drivin me nuts."

one day after observing his grandma kick the TV to improve reception, little johnny asks, "grammy, why did you bang the TV?"
"because, johnny, sometimes when something seems to break, you can fix it by giving it a quick bang."
"oh, okay." johnny then looks downward in confusion. "grammy, why does mommy break so much?"
"johnny, what are you talking about?"
"sometimes when daddy gets home from work, he tells mommy to go upstairs so he can bang her real good."

the razor princess
once, the king of a rich and just land fell into deep distress after his only son died of a severe illness, leaving only his daughter was of unsurpassed beauty. she would have to marry to establish the king's heir, but in all his years of ruling the king had never met a noble man with the virture to rule his kingdom or marry his daughter. therefore he decreed this challenge: "any man who can spend a night with my daughter without violating her chaste and virgin nature shall inherit everyone over which i reign."
a week passed, and a knight from the western lands arrived at the palace after hearing tales of the daughter's beauty. the king addressed him, "you will spend one night in bed with my daughter. if you cannot control your impulses, you will not only lose the challenge, but also your head."
the knight gulped deeply as the princess entered the assembly hall, realizing just how serious this challenge was. "very well, i shall leave you." a sumptuous feast and festival was held to honor the knight-contestant, and before it ended princess and the knight retired to her bedchamber. their screams of passion - so great it approached agony - rivaled the sounds of the festival, but luckily no one seemed to notice.
the next morning, the king addressed the knight. "good sir knight, did you uphold my daughter's virtue last night?"
"yes, your highness!"
"very well. then i must ask you to remove your trousers." with the utmost hesitation, the knight removed his pants to reveal that his little squire had been in a serious battle; it was cut up and bloody and looked defeated.
"liar!" the king shouted, and he cut off the man's head (which one, i'll leave to your imagination).
weeks more passed, and a noble's son from the north arrived in search of the king's power. he'd heard tales of knights killed instantly for betraying the rules of the contest, the king with some kind of supernatural power for discerning lies. in a rare insight, he realized lust was not his sin, but greed. "that's why i can win," he reasoned to himself.
when the time came for him to prove himself, the castle's bricks rattled with the sound of their reckless abandon. basking in the afterglow, the young nobleborn realized his royal jewels were in throbbing pain. "what," he moaned as he looked to see it nearly cut to ribbons. "how the? is this how your father knows who you share yourself with?"
nearly in tears, the princess collapses into tears and her own hands, "yes! oh dear lord!"
"but how?"
"he... he puts... razors..."
"in your, uh...?"
"YES!"
she became hysteric. despite the young noble's best attempts to hide the cuts, the royal assembly hall's floors again ran red with blood the next morning.
luckily, yet another petitioner arrived that very same day. he was a commoner, and the royal court was dismayed. the king asks, "what makes you, a lowly commoner, believe you deserve my daughter's hand and my kingdom?"
"your highness, fear not! for i shall court your daughter's passion with grace, not vulgarity, and our marriage will be one of virture, not sin."
"very well. you speak with the grance and eloquence of tongue befitting a hymn to god, and for this you deserve a chance to prove yourself."
rather unexcited at the prudish prospect, the princess went to bed early. the commoner was ordered to follow. the princess's screams that night, the palace priests could only hope were were due to the evil being driven from her soul.
"now," the king pronounced the next morning, "we shall see if your actions are as virtuous as your speech is graceful. please remove your trousers."
though a serpent of biblical proportions did make its appearance, the king saw no sign of evil deeds. "good sir, your complexion proves your virtue. your shall be my heir!"
vindicated and humble, the commoner with the graceful tongue bowed and said, "fank oo oor majesthy."

(you hold your tongue for the last part when telling it in person - hope it wasn't too long for anyone).

Oh, wow. I don't think I should even try to express my glee in words.

So little Jimmy comes home from school one day and asks, "Mommy, how old are you?"

"Honey, a gentleman doesn't ask a lady that question," Mommy says.

Little Jimmy walks out of the room for a moment, then he comes back and asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Honey, a gentleman doesn't ask a lady that question," Mommy says.

Little Jimmy walks out of the room again. Finally he comes back and asks, "Mommy, what's your blood type?"

"Honey, just go and look in my wallet," Mommy says.

Little Jimmy walks out of the room. Finally he comes back and says, "Mommy, I've got your driver's license here, and it says that you are 34 years old, you weigh 180 pounds, your blood type is O, and it also says why Daddy left us. It's because you got an F in sex."

Q: how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: none, they just sit in the dark and cry.